We Need to Talk

The Journey so Far

I have absolutely hated this experience and would love, nothing more than to just be watching television, or going for a long run, or being forced to walk barefoot in a dark room with legos scattered on the floor, but that would be doing a disservice to part of the reason I feel my wife and I have gone through this painful, heart-wrenching, frustrating journey.  I am writing this because as we went through this I saw my wife had posted and shared multiple blogs and entries from women who had shared their experiences for other women to find solace in, but I couldn't find that.  Men are often overlooked when it comes to childbirth or fertility, or lack thereof.  So this is part of our story from my perspective.

My wife, Trista and I were married in October of 2011 and had all our plans laid out.  We would enjoy some "us" time and then after a couple of years we would have a baby.  We both thought it would be as simple as removing the barriers we had placed in the way on our own...it wasn't.  After about a year of trying with no luck we decided to have some tests run on Trista and me. Trista was put on medications to regulate her ovulation times and we started a series of medications and injections and timing everything, and I mean EVERYTHING, but nothing was happening.  We knew there was something else going on.  After an uncomfortable visit to a fertility clinic we found that I had a condition known as vericocele, which was limiting the amount of swimmers I was able to produce.  We won't go into further detail so as to spare you from either boredom or nausea; needless to say, I underwent surgery and went on my merry little way, believing it would be a matter of months, and we would be finding out we were pregnant. We quickly went from trying to find fun ways to announce our future baby, to spending a small fortune on another infertility treatment that heightened the chances of pregnancy known as IUI...still nothing.  After months of trying to conceive with all these tools and throwing money at being parents we began to throw our hands in the air and cry out to God. 

Were we being punished for making plans on our own?  

Were we not "good" enough?  

Would we be bad parents?  

Intellectually I knew this couldn't be true.  I know the God I serve and I knew He was good.  So maybe the problem lied elsewhere.  We consulted with our fertility doctor who recommended a surgery to look for any potential issues with Trista.  Never have I ever wanted there to be a medical issue with my wife more than I did that day.  If there was something wrong that meant there was something to be fixed.  It meant something for us to do.   I still remember sitting in the waiting room watching Days of Our Lives with my mother in law (who has been a rock for my wife throughout this process).  The doctor opened the door to the waiting room, "Mr Van Buren". I smiled and came to the back room, positive they had found something and we could fix it.  Then the hammer dropped, "Trista has no blockages, everything looks good" My heart sank and I tried to hold back tears.  What was I going to tell Trista? We were counting on this to give us answers, to give us a something, to lead us down a path.  When she woke up from sedation the first thing she wanted to know was the results.  And they were good from the doctors' perspective, bu they crushed our world.   I was lead back to my groggy and sobbing wife.  I tried to consul my wife as I secretly raged inside, angry at the doctor for not allowing me to be with my wife as they tore her hopes up, angry at God for taking our "something" away, angry we were going to leave with more questions than we came in with.  We were back to square one.  In the coming months we would stop going to fertility treatments, and just try on a more relaxed schedule and hope for the best, because after all, there was no reason for us not to be pregnant now.

This journey has been hard for all the obvious reasons.  But there are bigger reasons that this was hard for me.  Not only was I unable to give my wife the one thing she wanted the most, but I couldn't fix it.  I'm not a handy man that she has grown accustomed to(after growing up with a father and brother who both can fix basically anything something knowing exactly what a man needs).  Not only could I not provide for my wife, and not fix it, but I couldn't protect her.  I couldn't protect her form the feelings of despair, of unworthiness and I couldn't take those feelings away.  I still can't give her a child, and I can't tell her why.  I don't know why I can't give her a baby.  I can't fix her.  I can't fix me. I can't fix this.  I can't protect her from her feelings or take them away.  It's hard, and quite frankly it sucks.  As I type this I can feel that uncomfortable bubble in the back of my throat and my eyes get watery and my nose begin to run.  Trista is in the next room working with her mom on projects to sell to raise money for adoption, asking if I am crying, and I'm not.  I don't cry about this, not in front of her, not if I can help it.  I am going to do something, even if it means not doing something.  I am going to be the strong thing my wife can lean on...because that's all I have to offer her.

Hopefully this helps another husband struggling to start a family with his wife.  Hopefully this gets shared and gets to another person struggling and helps.  Hopefully this gives another person hope.

If you would like to help us reach our goal and bring home the baby God is preparing for us you can click the link below and like and share this story.

https://www.gofundme.com/adoptingbabyvb